Catharsis through expression

***Disclosure/Disclaimer: This one is raw and if that sort of thing bothers you then please stop reading right now, do us both a favour, unfollow me and carry on with your life.***

I am so angry right now and I am so done with suppressing my emotions about it. It’s my story and I will talk about it if I want to because I am ready to and I feel like I need to – and not in the very cowardly anonymous way that has become just so mainstream today. Like the pathetic trolls who post lies and bullshit about people they don’t even know. They must live a miserable wretched existence so they feel the need to drag other people down with them. Or the cyber bullying from people who will not take accountability for their words. Was it because you were rejected that you wrote that? Whatever dude.

I am not afraid to be honest. I will say what I mean and I will mean what I say. There is simply no other way to live and I am not afraid to stand behind my words.

So to the haters out there, please go focus on your own lives because I just don’t give a fuck what you think and your opinion of me is none of my business – let’s just keep it that way.

https://youtu.be/VbOtf-TSnMY

This one goes out to all the cunts in Kamloops and Victoria who made my life unnecessarily difficult; the soul-crushing bullying that completely blindsided me as I had never experienced that in my life until three months into my shiny new job in Kamloops.

I can remember the day that broke me, vividly. It was sometime in October 2015, I walked my 1 km home from work basically crying the whole way. I walked up the three flights of stairs to my apartment, I opened the door and collapsed on the floor. I couldn’t get up for like an hour.

Things got progressively worse over the next four years until I was recovering from my surgery and I had 6 weeks off of work. All of a sudden thoughts just came flooding in. I could see clearly now. I could see what was happening and what it was doing to me. I thought “What the fuck am I doing? This is not how I want to live my life.” No amount of money is worth that.

I absolutely love my job. Being a nurse is truly my calling. I get so much joy in helping people with the invisible injuries that cause people so much suffering. I will go out of my way to help to make even just the next few moments better.

I would rather sit and listen to a really ill psychotic patient for hours than sit in the nursing station and listen to those boring cunts talk about their boring lives non-stop.

Back when things got really tough for me I struggled for a while and then found a way to pick myself back up and keep going. I wrote a note about this and posted it on Facebook. I’ll repost that here after this one.

I’m glad I turned to running to cope with those difficult feelings. There are so many other numbing strategies that seem to work at first but they often derail people to lead them would down the wrong path into a hole they can’t climb out of without some help.

Over the next 9 months I experienced a whole new form of torment and reached depths of despair I had never reached or imagined before. I got fired from my job which was complete bullshit. I am a safe and competent nurse and I didn’t even do anything wrong. But they knew just how to throw someone under the bus after three decades of practice. I drove from the West coast to the East coast, Victoria to Shelbourne Nova Scotia, to stay with my Mom because I was running out of money I couldn’t afford to feed myself . I didn’t know what else to do and I thought maybe I could help her with her reno’s.

I knew I had enough money for fuel to get me there, but just. 6,000 kilometres later I showed up unannounced and totally surprised her. Her reaction was worth the drive. I hadn’t seen her in two years; since the last time I showed up unannounced. There was just no work for me unlike other places where I can work not stop if I want. out there and I was not keen on living in the small community of 1,800 people. I needed people after far too many years of isolation and it just wasn’t going to work for me so after 6 weeks or so I drove to my Dad’s in central B.C.

Once the dust settles and I get some stability, I will taking a trip to Victoria to get the right people in my corner. Yeah, you can kick me while I’m down but I will never forget, I will never give up. I. Am. Relentless. I will pursue this until I get what I want for as long as it takes me.

That’s enough of that. Although expressing myself is cathartic it’s also painful. It’s much easier to suppress my emotions and live my life so hard and fast that I can’t feel my feelings. I’ve had a lot of practice but suppressing my memories and emotions is not making me healthier. I have a lot of work to do in that area but I will get there. One thing at a time.

I am so incredibly happy to be back in Prince George where I am truly accepted for being exactly who I am. It’s so refreshing. I have been welcomed back with open arms and so many people are so warm and welcoming. It feels safe to be there. Work always used to be my happy place when I was in a very unhealthy relationship. At the end of a work day I wouldn’t want to go home. I’ve struggled to find my place for a while but as happenstance would have it I have gone full circle and I am back to where I started. I feel like they pretty much raised me as a nurse working their first an an LPN snd then an RN. It totally feels right and I already feel at peace being back here.

Through my lived experience I will find a way to help the ones who don’t have a voice for fear of losing their employment. I now know what it’s like to get fired and have no income for four months. To not even have 5 dollars. To lose my housing. To lose everything.

I don’t know how yet but and someday I will find a way to help the people who not able to speak for themselves, are unfairly targeted and I will figure it out if it takes me the next forty years. I will make that my life purpose because no one deserves to feel that way, ever.

I pity the new happy and ambitious nurses who are doomed to become the next targets in those toxic workplaces because such is the nursing profession where old burnt out menopausal bitches who need to fucking retire already make a career out of bullying.

***this is a wonderful *** Brené Brown – On empathy https://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw

My response to a lady saying her boyfriend says she can’t go from running 26 mpw (miles per week) to 32

Mind is everything: muscle, pieces of rubber. All that I am, I am because of my mind.: Paavo Nurmi

30k is absolutely attainable – your body can do anything it gets used to do. “Mind is everything: muscle, pieces of rubber. All that I am, I am because of my mind.”: Paavo Nurmi

The ten percent rule is really just a guide and as long as you ensure you are providing your body with the right nutrition, keeping it limber with stretching and lifting weights to keep your body balanced and strong then let your body will let you if you’re increasing distance too quickly.

2016 I was really struggling with consistency (and consistency is everything – in life really) so I started a run streak. For a run streak at minimum you have to run, or even jog slowly for recovery, 1 mile per day. Miss a day and you are back to zero #fuckthezero I was really struggling at the time with bullying at work and it was crushing my soul so I turned to running to give me some kind of satisfaction and sense of control in my life. November 2016 I would make it five days then not be able to fit it in (working full time as a registered nurse as well). I was so angry with myself that I couldn’t make it happen so in registered for a 100-miler in Denmark that was 9 months away to give myself enough fear to get my ass out the door. I made it 115 days. Once that momentum was going there was nothing that could stop me. But I got over confident with it and I was training very one dimensionally and not be intelligent with the way I trained. My runs would often get away in me and I would do far more than I should. But hey then pull it back and have a few days of one easy mile – like ten minute mile or twelve minute mile. Who can’t fit in ten or twelve minutes in a day? Breaks at work are longer than that. It’s possible. But it’s psychological. “Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go. T.S. Elliot”.

I was very careful about the influence or programming that I let into my consciousness. I choose what I let affect me. I would listen to motivational videos non-stop (I’ll share some favourites below). I converted YouTube video into audio files and randomly had them in my go to running playlists. A little something to pick me up when I need it – and it works. I would wake up to this as my alarm clock. (Nike motivational Rise and Shine) https://youtu.be/hbkZrOU1Zag I tried to set that as my alarm clock when I was married but that didn’t fly and I only did it once. I had all these dreams and things I wanted to do (2007-2014) but just resolved myself to the fact that that wouldn’t be possible for me because I was married this was my life and it wasn’t possible. Until I skipped town, divorced that asshole and then I was free and I was going to do everything I wanted to do like my life depended on it – because it did. “If you want something, go get it. Period.”

So once I was footloose and fancy free that became my alarm clock. I would alternate it with this one (Why we fall motivational video) https://youtu.be/mgmVOuLgFB0

I would lay my running clothes/gear out the night before on the floor beside my bed and the alarm would go off I would get dressed as quickly as I could and I would have to be ready and out the door before the alarm ended.

I wouldn’t even give myself a chance to change my mind – don’t think, psychomotor just got through the motions and make it happen. Don’t lose that activation energy. (Mel Robbins how to stop screwing yourself over https://youtu.be/Lp7E973zozc )

I live in Canada and it started to get cold and icy and then this became my alarm https://youtu.be/xf4eJgwrUyA Whatever I needed to pick myself back up and keep going I listened to. (Ten thousand hours Your World Within – this one is gold – https://youtu.be/wWEF5Ie89ug ). I fell in love with the content of the Your World Within YouTube channel and so many of his videos were instrumental in helping me achieve my goals. As i got closer to my races I realized how much I appreciated his work and I bought every single album – he deserves my support after how much the videos he put together, the speeches he wrote helped me get to where I was going.

Time to wrap this up as I got shit to do. I spent a week in Vancouver February 2017 and loved how running at lower elevation was a bit faster and in all fairness I kind of beat my legs up a bit with my twice a day runs and speed work.

I often felt like the Golden Rules of Running ( https://www.runnersworld.com/training/a20790553/the-25-golden-rules-of-running/ ) didn’t apply to me. One of them being the ten perfect rule. But I also learned something from experience I “knew” since my first marathon in 2005. That rule is this: You can work on developing speed OR you can work on building distance but you can’t do both at the same time or you will get injured.

But that didn’t apply to me right? I was invincible. So after a week of hard running and nearing 115 days of my run streak I returned to the city where I was living at the time and ran a half marathon the next day. I got a shiny new PR …and shin splints. Fuck. I can’t not train. My 100-miler in Denmark was now in just over 6 months. I’ve already paid for my flight and taken off vacation time – it had to happen. But shin splints? That type of overuse injury can plague people for years.

To be continued … I work tonight. But readers digest that I will elaborate on later (on my blog cuz that’s where I should put that kind of life story right?):

-went to a naturopath and had prolotherapy done. Wasn’t allowed to run for one week. Was devastate to break/end my run streak at 115 days but I had to get better or there would be no ultra. Took a week off and when I gradually started back up with an easy mile a day and gradually increasing distance I was absolutely injury free. I just couldn’t believe it.

-then I got kicked in the face at work (literally running shoe to the chin as I tried to take a psych patients shoes off while two staff where holding them). So then with whiplash and a concussion I couldn’t even get off the couch for a couple weeks. My head was so heavy I couldn’t not be horizontal. That was so tough psychologically going from the last five months of consistent exercise to can’t even walk across a room without holding my head in both of my hands.

-so I started panicking. How will I be able to do this now? I know that I know enough about running to get myself in trouble (like obviously) but I needed some help some guidance if I was going to pull this off.

-I did my research and I found a coach -world record holder of the 100 mile ultramarathoner Zach Bitter. I looked him up found his site threw a couple thousand at him snd he was my coach leading up to my next two ultras. I had won the Javelina Jundred in Arizona in 2016 and I was registered for the 2017 race. I would send him my work schedule and he built my training program around it. I wouldn’t have done so well without his help.

-I went to Swaziland for a month with my mom to volunteer at an orphanage and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to run long distances outside by myself for obvious reasons (I had waist length platinum blonde hair at the time – that sounds like a death wish – side note while with my ex I was not “allowed” to dye my hair so going from waist length natural hair to platinum was sort of a fuck you thing, and it was awesome.). So in Africa I focused on mental training. On long drives or during the early morning when I would wake up a couple hours before anyone else and listen to audiobooks non-stop. I have a handful of favourites that really helped me that I relisten to again and again.

*** okay time to wrap this up. I dnf’d at my first 100-miler (death before dnf 😑) but it was a learning experience and I knew that and planned that going into. Then with Zach Bitter’s help 8 weeks later I ran 100 km in Arizona at the Javelina Jundred absolutely crushing it, injury free with a time off 16 hours and 24 minutes and change. I was elated. I thought to myself “I can’t wait until next year and next time I’m here I’m running the 100-miler”. I had DDD at the time when I did that race. Feb 2019 had a breast reduction going from 36DDD to 36A. It was the best decision of my entire life. My life kind of fell apart since they race (my last race) but finally it’s coming back together. I’m planning my next training cycle and I am going to exceed my perceived limitations, again.

***So don’t let your boyfriend tell you that you can’t go from 26 miles per week to 32 because that’s bullshit and you don’t even know the incredible things that you’re capable of so never let another person try to drag you down with what they don’t know. You got this girl. Now get out there and back it happen

Also, increase distance for three weeks in a row and then fir the fourth week scale way back to give your body a chance to recover and rebuild. Sometimes when you scale back you start to notice areas of weaknesses or site of potential injury. Foam rolling, massage, gentle stretching when your muscles are warm, adequate sleep, good nutrition are all part of the equation. Also for more information regarding mileage build up look up Arthur Lydiard’s books.