Catharsis through expression

***Disclosure/Disclaimer: This one is raw and if that sort of thing bothers you then please stop reading right now, do us both a favour, unfollow me and carry on with your life.***

I am so angry right now and I am so done with suppressing my emotions about it. It’s my story and I will talk about it if I want to because I am ready to and I feel like I need to – and not in the very cowardly anonymous way that has become just so mainstream today. Like the pathetic trolls who post lies and bullshit about people they don’t even know. They must live a miserable wretched existence so they feel the need to drag other people down with them. Or the cyber bullying from people who will not take accountability for their words. Was it because you were rejected that you wrote that? Whatever dude.

I am not afraid to be honest. I will say what I mean and I will mean what I say. There is simply no other way to live and I am not afraid to stand behind my words.

So to the haters out there, please go focus on your own lives because I just don’t give a fuck what you think and your opinion of me is none of my business – let’s just keep it that way.

This one goes out to all the cunts in Kamloops and Victoria who made my life unnecessarily difficult; the soul-crushing bullying that completely blindsided me as I had never experienced that in my life until three months into my shiny new job in Kamloops.

I can remember the day that broke me, vividly. It was sometime in October 2015, I walked my 1 km home from work basically crying the whole way. I walked up the three flights of stairs to my apartment, I opened the door and collapsed on the floor. I couldn’t get up for like an hour.

Things got progressively worse over the next four years until I was recovering from my surgery and I had 6 weeks off of work. All of a sudden thoughts just came flooding in. I could see clearly now. I could see what was happening and what it was doing to me. I thought “What the fuck am I doing? This is not how I want to live my life.” No amount of money is worth that.

I absolutely love my job. Being a nurse is truly my calling. I get so much joy in helping people with the invisible injuries that cause people so much suffering. I will go out of my way to help to make even just the next few moments better.

I would rather sit and listen to a really ill psychotic patient for hours than sit in the nursing station and listen to those boring cunts talk about their boring lives non-stop.

Back when things got really tough for me I struggled for a while and then found a way to pick myself back up and keep going. I wrote a note about this and posted it on Facebook. I’ll repost that here after this one.

I’m glad I turned to running to cope with those difficult feelings. There are so many other numbing strategies that seem to work at first but they often derail people to lead them would down the wrong path into a hole they can’t climb out of without some help.

Over the next 9 months I experienced a whole new form of torment and reached depths of despair I had never reached or imagined before. I got fired from my job which was complete bullshit. I am a safe and competent nurse and I didn’t even do anything wrong. But they knew just how to throw someone under the bus after three decades of practice. I drove from the West coast to the East coast, Victoria to Shelbourne Nova Scotia, to stay with my Mom because I was running out of money I couldn’t afford to feed myself . I didn’t know what else to do and I thought maybe I could help her with her reno’s.

I knew I had enough money for fuel to get me there, but just. 6,000 kilometres later I showed up unannounced and totally surprised her. Her reaction was worth the drive. I hadn’t seen her in two years; since the last time I showed up unannounced. There was just no work for me unlike other places where I can work not stop if I want. out there and I was not keen on living in the small community of 1,800 people. I needed people after far too many years of isolation and it just wasn’t going to work for me so after 6 weeks or so I drove to my Dad’s in central B.C.

Once the dust settles and I get some stability, I will taking a trip to Victoria to get the right people in my corner. Yeah, you can kick me while I’m down but I will never forget, I will never give up. I. Am. Relentless. I will pursue this until I get what I want for as long as it takes me.

That’s enough of that. Although expressing myself is cathartic it’s also painful. It’s much easier to suppress my emotions and live my life so hard and fast that I can’t feel my feelings. I’ve had a lot of practice but suppressing my memories and emotions is not making me healthier. I have a lot of work to do in that area but I will get there. One thing at a time.

I am so incredibly happy to be back in Prince George where I am truly accepted for being exactly who I am. It’s so refreshing. I have been welcomed back with open arms and so many people are so warm and welcoming. It feels safe to be there. Work always used to be my happy place when I was in a very unhealthy relationship. At the end of a work day I wouldn’t want to go home. I’ve struggled to find my place for a while but as happenstance would have it I have gone full circle and I am back to where I started. I feel like they pretty much raised me as a nurse working their first an an LPN snd then an RN. It totally feels right and I already feel at peace being back here.

Through my lived experience I will find a way to help the ones who don’t have a voice for fear of losing their employment. I now know what it’s like to get fired and have no income for four months. To not even have 5 dollars. To lose my housing. To lose everything.

I don’t know how yet but and someday I will find a way to help the people who not able to speak for themselves, are unfairly targeted and I will figure it out if it takes me the next forty years. I will make that my life purpose because no one deserves to feel that way, ever.

I pity the new happy and ambitious nurses who are doomed to become the next targets in those toxic workplaces because such is the nursing profession where old burnt out menopausal bitches who need to fucking retire already make a career out of bullying.

***this is a wonderful *** Brené Brown – On empathy

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